40 Circles

That’s it, really. It’s not a lot when you consider the time it took for the rest of everything else to get here.  That is a lot of momentum that I had nothing to do with pushing me forward.  I say push, but I mean shove.

That’s because I didn’t try to end up here. Like most things, it just sort of happened. I mean sure, I could have improved the package I arrived on the self in, but some things, like male pattern baldness, was inevitable.

It’s at times like these, even-numbered base 10 divisible age numbers, that we’re often especially navel-gazey; that is to say, when we look at the scales of life, does the side with grace, charity and love outweigh the side of awkwardness, selfishness, indifference and just plain dickishness? The answer as usual is: “Reply hazy. Ask again later.”

So here I am on 40.  My social media is racking up well wishes and likes of well wishes, because who doesn’t like a wished well? Jerks, that’s who. But I can’t help but see the absence of messages from those I’ve left in the 39 other circles that I’ve survived. They aren’t jerks, I was the jerk. Well not always the jerk, but often?  I am bad judge of these things.  Not just in the sphere of social media, but in life and I think again of the scales tipping back and forth from “nice guy” to “prick”. But let’s not go getting all dark. If I’ve hurt you, I am sorry.

In my garage lives the trappings of a guy searching for mastery or meaning of some sort: guitars, toys, hobbies, equipment of all kinds. And they sit there in tubs and boxes on shelves as milestones for moments of dutiful motivation. Between the milestones are the voids of doubt and depression.  Both a testament of a modern life.  I used to call this my “Man of Leisure”, but when this was thrown back at my face by someone who suffered from the “prick” side of the scale, (understandably), it graduated from a humorous attempt to try to identify my behaviors into what is actually was: a cynical excuse and a way to embrace depression in a “oh well, that is just how I am” sort of way.  I still deal with the “Man of Leisure” every day.  I have a friend who I believe calls this “The Hobo” – though I’ve never directly asked him if it’s the same guy, I get the feeling it probably is or they at least ride the same rails.

The problem with the “Man of Leisure” is that he’s way cool in a sort of way a teenager might look at a 40 circle guy with a bunch of hobbies in his garage: a bit close to home and to be honest, a little creepy. Of course, I just realized where this train of thought is going and I’m not a fan, but I’ll power through.

What I face now is the volume of choices I made that I can no longer categorize as “mistakes” but now get filed under, “should’a known better”, so when I look back at that shoving force behind me I see the wake of hurt feelings I’ve left behind all jumbled up with “party lines”, Sputnik and the dinosaurs.

I probably have another 40 circles left in me (unless they figure out how to get around that, which I am a fan of) to try to tip that scale a little more into the “atta boy” side. I have some opportunities in front of me, (more of many), in which to apply or ignore. Some of them are super exciting, others frighten me like, “what clothes are OK for me to wear now so I don’t look like “that guy”. I’ll continue to feel insecure about things, but I can temper that with my increasing stash of “I don’t care”.

So, thank you for your help and patience, your well wishes. I appreciate the ones I’ve had and the ones I have left. You’re on my mind while I try to be better. Love ya.

On Being a “cuck”

Facebook is full sleeper racists and I met one last night.  Oh it started out simple enough.  Facebook friend posts a meme about how if Muslims really hated us, we’d be dead as there are a lot of people who subscribe to that faith.  Not the best meme, but not the worst.  Someone brings up Salmon(sic) Rushdie for some reason as if that would prove a point, ignore that Salman Rushdie is still alive…  but just wait.

Enter “Apparent Islamophobe” – I say apparent because that is all I know about him, he fears Muslims:

Apparent Islamophobe

Immediately we know a couple things about “AI”:  his history is Eurocentrist, he doesn’t actually know much history beyond that which agrees with him and he confuses being a Muslim with wanting a de facto theocracy to kill “us”. This raises a few flags, but I wrote this off as just being exactly what the meme was talking about.  So I suggest maybe he’s being a bit narrow.  I could have been nicer, but fuck it.


So one of 2 things happen here.  Either he considers any other history that isn’t from Europe “non-white” and my bringing it up means I must mean I think they are oppressed or he took a look at my Facebook profile.  Either way, lets take a look at his:


Hmmm 157 IQ – I’d better watch out. Not because of the number, but he’s the kind of person that would put that on their profile.  Scary.  But again, nothing overtly racist and that’s a good thing.  Fear not, his words will betray his true feelings about race, but we’re not past the Islamophobia yet.  He seems to think that I’m pro-Islam, but what he doesn’t know is that I’m kinda anti-religion in general.  That doesn’t stop him from trying to goad me into does it?


There, that should let him know that I’m just not a fan of singling out any particular religion because they all contain the stains of abuse and oppression. Simply having a Muslim majority isn’t sufficient cause for your murder.  I provide some examples.  Would I want to live in a Muslim theocracy?  Unlikely.  The question should be, “would I want to live in any theocracy?”  I barely can stand living in a Secular Christian nation.  We should be good right?


Act 1:  What the fuck is a Europoid?


Whoa!  Where the fuck did this come from? This is straight up fringe white supremacist dogma right here: “Look, some races are just more violent, they can’t help it, just like whites can’t help to be such wonderful things as not tribal and having Christianity and multiculturalism”. 

“Apparent Islamophobe” has graduated to “White Supremacy Apologist”

It sounds so logical right?  But this is grade A white European apologetics.  “We can’t help being on top, its genetics.”  Plus some theory about how religion is an outgrowth of race and did you know Christianity was created by Europeans? Maybe he just thinks that the Hebrews were the whites of the bronze age?  Doubtful.  I am sure if we dug a little deeper there would be some antisemitism and Jewish conspiracy lurking in there, because they go hand in hand.

So Europoid.  This is a more palatable version of Caucasoid. Why is it more palatable?  Because it avoids uncomfortable subjects like the origin of the word and of race itself. 

Asking yourself, why if you’re white you’re referred to as Caucasian, leads to you to Christoph Meiners, which leads you to the realization that the whole “Race” thing isn’t actually based in reality, but on some nice skulls this guy found, in order to sell some books that weren’t based on any real science at all.  That hopefully leads you to a really deep thought about what race really is.  If you need some help, here ya go.

I mean, if you want a slightly more believable explanation for why EUropeans seem to be the dominant brand on the market for the last few centuries, there are much better multidisciplinary works than “fanciful racial religion theory”.

Unfortunately for “White Supremacy Apologist” he chose to go with the other option.

Act 2: What the?

what the

I seriously tried to back out of this.  He likes to edit things to try to piece this all together more… but yeah, the “dynamics of competitive commerce and trade”?  What?

At some point he thought he’d try to flush my into a place where he had prepared a speech about the heroic British/American fight against slavery, but forgot to tell everyone.

A bit non-sequitur, but we soldier on.

Act 3: Wherein I am told I am “a cuck”.


So, I’m familiar with “cuckold” – its history, Shakespeare, etc. even contemporary usage in porn which is a genre.  What I had just barely become aware of is its use in a racial sense.

Poor Louie C.K. – He doesn’t deserve that.

We can see that Google has reflected an increase in that interest, for sure.


So, it could be as simple as he thought I might like Big Black Cock or watching said BBC trounce my lady friend.  But with a 156 IQ, I mean, that couldn’t be it.  This guy is a learned white dude, right?

Lets look at urban dictionary.

However, his implication, is simple that I am not “pro-white”.  I have drank the Kool-aide and am beholden to my brown overlords.

He is afraid that white people are going to be destroyed.  He was just to much of a coward to say it amongst his friend and family, in public, but the Internet doesn’t forget:


Act 4: The thing.

Here’s the thing: If we look at the rest of this angry young man’s life and forgot about the hate, fear and misapplied enthusiasm for his pigmentation, he looks like a charming enough fellow.  He enjoys arts and reminiscing about family.  He could be anyone and unfortunately, he is like many people. Outwardly tolerant, friendly and successful.  But that take s a turn as soon as brown people are involved.  Islam was never the sole issue for him.  A little digging and asking questions uncovered the real ugly ideology underneath: white people are being bred out by big black cocks I guess and it appears I am a fan.


Many things bother me with this exchange beyond “White Supremacy Apologist”.  First and foremost is the lack of anyone saying anything contrary to this guy, beyond me.  One fellow quoted Jiddu Krishnamurti, which is kind of like stopping a train by asking it nicely.  No direct confrontation of this guys hate spunk.

My girlfriend and apparent future “cuckette” notices when I have these confrontations. I withdraw, I sigh a lot and I don’t pay attention to “The Martian” that is playing on the TV.  This takes a toll mentally and emotionally and I often want to say nothing, too.  What can I do to make a difference?

What I can do is shine a light on it.  Which is why I moved it from a private friend’s post to this blog.  I considered dropping his name, but that’s not an action I would ever condone unless I had direct evidence that is would make a difference.

What does make a difference is understanding we have an audience.  We have everyone on our friends list, friends of friends perhaps, that need to see other people standing up against hate and ignorance.  Even when its often rough, poorly written or ignored, which happens often when I do it.

Of The Heart

There is a sadness here of which I’ve had little time to contemplate. I challenges me every day and its been getting closer.  I can see it coming down the driveway, through the gate, and its nearly to the doorstep.  Its going to ring the bell any day now.

I basically invited it.  I didn’t not invite it. I didn’t prevent it or have a daily apple to keep it away. I can look out the window and see it with its Steve Austin slow-mo stride; powering its way up to my stoop.  How graceful it looks.  Its very sure it needs to be here.

The home in this fantasy is in limbo. I’m currently in-between homes. I dis-invited myself as gracefully as a jerk from my previous. I liked it there with my friend and fur-babies. But I have a habit of doing what I think is right in the most pants-shittingly way possible.  This is the eye-welling part of the post.

A broken heart is like a broken lock. Sometimes its stuck closed and you’re sealed off and bristling with defenses. Sometimes its stuck open and all your junk comes tumbling out. And sadness comes knocking. Clean white shirts mocking your lack of decisiveness. Free pamphlets illustrating your failure at honesty. Have you heard the Sad News? Also, you’re an asshole and let me tell you about your general physique.

Oh don’t worry, I’ll carry on, dear reader. I’ll make amends. I just need to get the door.


Regarding my mass extinction

Every post need a pun right?

Oh how I have neglected you, blog, for you are in direct confrontation with my modus operandi: leisure.

I was bemusing with a friend about how being a man of leisure is a calling we both are drawn to. Some people can’t stand to look at a day of free time without manifesting a list of duties they should rather be engaged in.  Not us, oh no. To us its a vast canvas of lackadaisical invention: “I should really marathon Ballers“; “you know, I could organize <insert collection>”; “Oh hello there, nap all day”.

Its not that I don’t like a good honest days work, its just I would rather dishonestly not work a day.

Now, there will be some of those who for, for instance, will read this and say, “I am sure glad I looked up this guy before I hired him!” and that is fair enough, but consider for a moment that the man/woman of leisure is the mother/father of invention, rather than necessity.

My father, told me once of the job he had for some Mad Men era electronics related company he was working for an the task that he’d been given for which he was designed (being a fellow man of leisure):

John Straley: Man of leisure vs. the pallet of electronics components (liberties with facts taken ruthlessly).

John was provided the task of sorting diode by their… μ.  Its gets better. His boss has a problem: “I have all these components, but they are unlabeled and their values are unknown! What shall I do?”

Of course he delegates, to John Straley: Man of leisure.

Previous to his assignment they had been just picking some and measuring them, hoping to find some that match.  With over 2000 diodes and some TV to watch at home, he immediately set out to end his torture early so he could watch the News or football or whatever.

Result: cataloging the variance of all the diodes against a single bench diode chose at random allowed him to create a database of matching pairs.  Of course this was the 60s and running these through a computer meant punch cards.  No leisure allowing devices like excel spreadsheets in the age of the moon landing.

It didn’t get better, I lied.

So this brings me to why I asked you here.

My life of leisure does not include yoga or jogging. It is largely sedentary. My charmed, lower-middle-class-childless-white-lifestyle allows me to taste the delicious cuisines of the world within a 5 mile radius. Amazon likes me to hang out at home and will delivery me items in under an hour.

Taking my dogs out for one of their two walks a day to void they bladders and bowels is a chore.

OK OK. I am starting to sound lazy, so I should get to the point where I have decided I should get rid of some extra fluff and exercise.

I have decided I should get rid of some extra fluff and exercise.Capture

Being a man of leisure means not having to look at the calories and carbs.  So I’ve decided to do go for the nuclear option because I am really good at routines.

Losing weight nuclear option. (not to be confused with losing-weight-nuking-from-orbit-just-to-be-sure-option):

I’ll be replacing 2 meals with a lowcarb high protein shake of about 400 calories called Keto Chow.

It seems gimmicky but I like gimmicks.

Then I’ll eat dinner, as usual, which had already been low carb.

“But carbs!” I hear you say.  Well, I am already diabetic, due to my life of leisure and love for Bismarks. And I had really good luck on a Atkin’s in the single aughts.

So, its really 2 fold, lose weight, treat the ‘beetus.

2015-08-11I’ve also been going to Harold’s Fitness in W. Seattle.  Close to home, Harold is a former professional body builder and over 70. He’s a bad ass. A bit of the scoundrel.

Here is pressing the bench. He calls you if you don’t show up. He is a man of action; a nice counter point to man of leisure.

His gym is reasonable and very low-fi, low tech and casual. He’s also old school men’s and women’s days separate, so no googly eyes from me.

So where am I right now? Lets say I am over the 300lbs mark for the second time in my life.  My goal right now is 250, but I’d like to get lower if my body type leads me there.

Hopefully a thinner man of leisure.

Hey I said every week right?

Right.  I know I did and you know I know I did. But that is the problem with a man who’s family motto was “TV is my only recreation” growing up.  This is a difficult tradition to break, because its easy. Yes, Television, my radiation emitting parent, friend, lover. How I long for your tutelage every night as I take my place in your court.

Worries?  Not while I am being passively amused. I don’t need to worry about how I never finished that degree whilst your content flickers in my eyes. How I have a room full of hobbies I want to get around to, but goodness me, I can watch ALL the seasons of Boston Legal right now? SWEET SPADE AND SHATNER, TAKE ME AWAY!

I can posit that these behaviors are escapist. Likely. I can extrapolate that I escape because otherwise, I may be forced to concede that I am not where I want to be, creatively, academically, financially or emotionally; through this media time sink, I can idle my engine while the past, present and future take a backseat.  These are big things to navel gaze.

Lets take a look at my existential to-do list and see where we’re at a month or so later:

  • Create a demo for voice acting.

Well, not a lot here.  There are people at work with some experience with audio gear, which may get me over my “this is hard why doesn’t it work right” phase. Basically I have an M-Audio interface with a build in pre-amp and a mic, but its super quiet and noisy.  I don’t know how to troubleshoot this.  Must ask for help.

  • Fix or replace my guitar.

Being unemployed for 4 years and living off of good graces and savings puts you in a bit of a financial mess. This will have to wait.  Maybe I should put a little away each month.

  • Be healthy.

Another aspect of working full time again is lack of time.  Combined with my TV Parent, preparing food and making good food choices, not happening as much as I’d like.  But I have made progress.  More salads from home for lunch.  I fear weighing myself.

  • Write more.

Pretty good.  I could cross post more of my Facebook posts here.  My word a week plan made it 2 weeks, then last week… nada.  This week is nearly done.

One thing that I completely admit my hypocrisy on is keeping promises. As a child who had a few promises broken, I suspect that my ability to trust others and myself, was stunted.  I am better as an adult.  I have reasonable expectations and my skills for choosing whom and when to trust others is much better, even than it was when I was 30. But as far as keeping promises to myself? When no one if watching? At school I learned that investment in myself was worth it. I must remember this.

  • Be kind and present.

Making strides. Compliments when you appreciate someone. Remembering to consider the active feelings of others.  Empathy.  It happens.



Premature Dissemination

The problem with writing, for myself anyway, is that I often can’t think worthy or writing about. Most of my Facebook stuff is fluff or reactionary. Maybe someone said something silly about vaccines or politics or race or religion. Pleading or yelling at someone that they are, or I am not, drinking the Kool-Aid of whatever philosophy they, or I, subscribe to. And by Kool-Aid we mean bullshit. We really think that the other person is delusional and worthy of suspicion of motive and if not motive, they are stupid for falling for it at the very least.  This goes both ways. I am surprised that I have friends with alternate philosophies at all.  But I try to remain civil. So what does this have to do with writing? (more…)

Got to find a reason why my money’s all gone…

Self reflection is one of the reasons I decided to reblog-ify myself.  Its been a long road over the past 5 years to where I am today; likely the most trying to me on an emotional and personal level so far. It called into question a lot of who I was or at least who I thought I was.

It turns out that much of my identity was wrapped up in my work. When that ended, so did my self-esteem. I had the boon of external relationships which took care of me physically, but I was a wreck in my mind.  That culminated in some decisions in the middle of 2013 the caused a complete shake down, break down and crisis. The people who stick by you when you’re the most vulnerable, selfish, stupid are the ones to keep.  And I try to cultivate their continued vote for me.

With that said, its time to enumerate and elucidate some of my goals for the future.  In no particular order… (more…)